Life While Healing

Zach of Note

• Lost two front teeth
• Kitchen soccer continues and dodgeball newspaper epic
• Parachute man
• Spring Break camp: the game, Medic and mask making!
• Visits to Gamma and Daddy Bob's and Grandad's
• Katie and Suji took Zach to Lifetime and he had a blast playing basketball and rock climbing

• Kite flying - so fun and Zach drew a picture of it!
• Back to Great Country and Udvar Hazy continues to be super-fun for Frank and Zach
• Zach and Frank met up with a family from Israel and played soccer with them a couple times. The boys are 8 and 10. 

• Zach and soccer! He loves it so much, and he's really good. Two Zach's on his team (Zachariah and Zachary). He could also go with the nickname "Ziti" for initials: ZD. Thougths?! He legit cried one Saturday because he loves it so much and is so sad to wait from Sat to Wed. 
• Zach's first field trips are coming on May 6 and May 13. He is SUPER-excited
• Passport photos and interview at long last!
• The pottery bowl he made before winter break turned back up again, and they were working on painting/glazing it.
• Zach and I went to Meadowlark together and that was very fun. He picked the route and we had a snack by the koi pond

Zach's Emotion Skills

• He makes me breakfast
• He rubbed my feet one night, and asked if he did a better job than Daddy. Teehee
• He is like his mom and cries when he's tired
• I try to let him live in the pain/discomfort. Reslilience is built by making it through hard things

Zach's Words and Songs

• Zach asked me about the word tacky re tacky/wacky day.
• A tisket a tasket a green and yellow basket...I wrote a letter to my love, and on the way I dropped it....
• Snapping 
• Zach told us an involved story about Tigey stealing Huskey's ice cream and the "consequences." They all get ice cream on certain days (Huskey and BeBe and Tigey and Fala), and Snaker (Mom) takes them to dinner on Wednesdays. Reindeer (Dad) does not go to the Wednesday dinner. 
• We really love The Inbestigators!
• Reading: Kate DiCamillo's Mercy the porcine wonder and "toast with a great deal of butter" is a joke! Also, Lola Levine books, Soccer 'Cats books (I have learned a lot about soccer), Ms. Frogbottom books
• Podcasts: Amanda Weldon, Story Pirates, Wow in the World, and Who When Wow - esp learning about Jim Thorpe
• Zach actually said, "Lemonade is the best drink, aside from water."
• Zach made and Earth Day crown and told me he doesn't like paper napkins because you only use them once. I encouraged him to take a cloth napkin to school and he did!

Sleep Update

Zach is coming in to my room to sleep. Sleep training AGAIN is in my future, but we have a nice time chatting and sometimes doing loving kindness meditation. It's too sweet to stop while I'm not working and not needing to get up early to work.

On the weekends, if he takes a nap, he comes in to sleep with me, so often on Saturday nights at 9pm

Good Food

• Agathe's apple kiwi compote
• Siga's lentil soup, Lithuanian bread, and cookies (pecan sandie-like)
• Rachel's pot pie
• Crumbl Cookie Cafe - WOW
• Chocolate peanut butter cookies
• Indian chickpea chili on a few throw back to winter days
• So many good egg dishes (veggie burgers, bok choy, garlic dressing, chard, eggs and bread)
• Yummy peanut noodles and French Toast casserole
• Enatye's Ethiopian
• Salmon and avocado caesar
• Mary Kay's homemade granola bars
• Synergy's California Citrus kombucha is SO GOOD!

Connection

• At trip with Frank down to Sperryville. We walked around the Inn at Little Washington, on the Thorton River Trail, and sat outside with RPK pizza at Pen Druid
• Crumbl cookies for Vero and Susan, Jonathan, Lindy and me and Zach too!
• Time with Mary Kay and our chosen connection word is "Montreal."
• Paige's visit: egg dyeing, mean games of Hide and Seek, and laughs about "licking the problem" from Zach's Kick It book and "Stop talking about the babka!"
• Auntie Em on may occassions, including mocktails at Tiki Thai and Raleigh bakery items. So lucky!
• Thank you notes to neighbors for food and sweets! 
• So grateful for the gifts, food, gift cards; Nikki from work checked in
• Ramadan Kareem
• Walk with Katie
• Call from Sofia

Family Fun

• Frank and I finished Station Eleven and got Ethiopian again. 
• Auntie Em is fostering kitties

Easter

• Easter Egg hunt indoors and outdoors and egg dyeing with Paige
• Treehouse books for Easter (26 and 91)

Fun and Not So Fun Stuff (Personal and Professional)

• Auntie Em's appointments and scanxiety
• Plans to have our Lynch tracked with the newly opened Saville Center
• A dried out gourd
• My Giving Tree is framed!
• Photos and art hung!
• Goodbye to another of the older generation, Virginia
• Zumba one day, but the recovery is definitely slow. I am taking care of Zach, but still surprising. 
• With cancer, I qualify for my second booster
• I got my Real ID taken care of too, though I went to the wrong location. Oh, Susan. 

Recovery

• It's an interesting journey. Right after I got my drains out, I felt SO good, but I think that was just in comparison. Since then it's been 2 steps forward and 1 step back. 
• Don't forget to watch pet videos or any funny videos when I'm anxious! It's good to envision and anticipate the post worst-case scenario, and then decompress with funny and distracting media
• I think have allodynia and that discomfort builds and builds. https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/mastectomy/expert-answers/pain-after-breast-surgery/faq-20058049. Therefore, extended Short-Term Disability for 2 more weeks
• Compression, not enough, too much, numbness
• PT has been really great! I have a weak grip and am working on strengthening that. I am more aware of looking down at screens and have readjusted my desk. I prop up my Kindle on pillows, and my PT person said I had good posture. I don't know that that is really true, but I am thinking about shoulders back and good posture. 
• Art therapy and music therapy
• Cried about coasters. Yeah.

Books: 

• Gabrielle Union's You Got Anything Stronger
• Clint Smith's How the Word is Passed
• Suzanne Simard's Finding the Mother Tree
• Susan Cain's Bittersweet
• Min Jin Lee's Free Food for Millionaires

Movies/Series: 

• Book of Love
• Atlas of the Heart (3/5)
• Malcolm X
• Who Killed Malcolm X (2 episodes)
• In Our Mother's Gardens
• The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
• Heartland Season 14
• Sweet Magnolias
• MOVE (Ep. 1)
• Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga

Podcasts/Audio Books

• Amishi Jha's Peak Mind
• Kate DiCamillo on On Being
• Black Belt podcast
• Unlocking Us, Dare to Lead
• Well-Read Black Girl
• Become a Good Ancestor - Layla Saad is back!
• Teaching Hard History
• A Slight Change of Plans

What I'm Grappling with...

• Resilience is working through hard stuff. My pain is not less important than someone else's discomfort
• Practicing perspective-taking when I can
• Working on accurately naming my emotions, like unarticulated expectations
• Daily tracking of brasica, plums, turmeric, probiotics + PT, grip strengthening exercises, Loving Kindness Meditation, and 12 mins of meditation; might add: nuts, shitakes, berries, seeds
• On a daily basis, not just Loving Kindness Meditation, but also what will I do for my health, connection, and prupose
• Trying to meditate 12 mins/day. That's hard. Best run was 10 days in a row

Everything that you love you will eventually lose, but in the end, love will return in a different form. --Franz Kafka

Bilateral Mastectomy (Day 1-14) in Detail

Monday, March 21: 

• PRO TIP! I did wake at 11pm on Sunday night to drink a chocolate protein shake with banana and peanut butter to stave off hunger since I was not able to eat after 12 midnight before my surgery. I did not eat until 7 or 8pm on Monday night, so the shake was a good call. I was not too hungry at all before I was wheeled back for surgery at 2:30pm! 
• Arrived at 11:30am at Inova Alexandria (no traffic), process started immediately. As I talked to all the nurses, doctors, etc., I had to remember my 3 key things: 1.) anti-nausea meds (patch could stay on for three days; took off on Th) 2.) I would need to go home with a catheter, which is NOT STANDARD. 3.) I have an advanced directive on file. 
• Nurse had trouble finding a vein (so I have a nice bruise on my forearm, Life with Cancer came in. Amazing what they expect you to take in while in bed waiting for the surgery. It was good for Frank to hear the drains maintenance for the first time (my second) and then after I woke up in post-op, though I have NO MEMORY of that! 
• Anesthesiologist came in and was perplexed by note in My Chart re: my trouble with anesthesia. Upshot, I am not allergic to propofol. I did inform him that flat closure warrants the expertise of a plastic surgeon! Dr. Hammer drew all over me! Dr. Bruce came in as the last person to see me and said they were still waiting for mag trace dye and when it was delivered, they would start. Started at 2:30pm (1 hour late)
• Surgery at 2:30pm and woke up from anesthesia at 6:45pm. Coming out of anesthesia, there is so much weirdness, like remembering dreams. I wanted to remember some of the surreal-ness, but I don’t. I did hear the man next to me had a visitor, and I said out loud, “Why does he get to have a visitor?” The nurse explained to me that he was going to be admitted and visiting hours were almost over. I did a bit of shaking as I came out of anesthesia, which I now know is pretty common. Frank was allowed to come into post-op, probably because I was the group of the last surgeries of the day. 
• Left at 8-ish from Alexandria back to Reston and one slow down on the way home :( I was well packed with foam padding between my skin and bra, so no real issues with bumps in the car. Foley catheter, packed well and drains, almost faint, food is like sawdust in mouth

Monday - Tuesday, March 22:

• Catheter kinked up and felt discomfort (good sign re: bladder), unkinked, and the bag was extremely hard to empty. There was this container and chute through which all the urine had to flow through to be emptied. In the middle of the night, we went searching for a better shirt. I thought I had been so organized, and I thought all the shirts had pockets, but Frank pulled every shirt off the hanger, and no pockets. I ended up with my pool cover-up dress because the pockets were in just the right place. 
• Antibiotics (cephalexin) every 6 hours and Tylenol (500 mg) or Ibuprofen (600mg) every three hours. We emptied drains in the middle of that first night before we got on a 9pm/9am twice daily schedule. 
• Probiotics (kefir, kombucha, coconut probiotic yogurt, and Greek yogurt) as much as possible but not within an hour of the antibiotics. 
• Zach spent the night away, so just me and Frank stumbled through.

Tuesday, March 22: Zach stopped in before school and brought me a tulip from his teacher, Senorita Quintenilla. He brought it home on the bus. So sweet! Mom and Dad too, a blur of emptying drains, which were not as messy as I anticipated. Felt surprisingly okay. Lidocaine pain meds were in my system for 72-hours - probably why. Paige unearthed old photos of us, sent videos and TikTok’s with her niece. Teehee. I felt surprisingly good, though I would have sharp pains at times.  

Wednesday, March 23: Again, a blur of drains at 9pm and 9am, catheter emptying, starting to walk, drains, meds, etc. Felt pretty good. The weather bounced from warm to cold, and one day I wore pants that really pulled on the catheter, so back to my pool cover-up dress with pockets. It was the best! Mom and Dad came by. Skin felt amazingly good. Not tight or stretched. Katie stopped by, which was so nice. I did feel often in those first days that I would loose my train of thought, and I watched a movie that I recommended to my sister, and I have no memory of the movie at all.

Thursday, March 24: Drains, meds. Visit to the urologist. Potomac Urology was playing funny animal videos in their lobby. I surprised myself by laughing out loud. In the appointment they suggested that they would remove the catheter, and then I would come back in the afternoon. Uh, no. Not to Alexandria. No. So, they removed it, we drove home, and my bladder was working by the time we got home. Wahooo!!!! The PA did say that my condition was pretty common, and I said he needed to spread the word, because no one I told had heard of it. They were astounded! 

Afraid my urine was a weird color for a couple days - sort of brown-ish? It was not blue from the dyes (mag trace and sentinel node)

Friday, March 25: Drains, meds. Started off well. I took Zach to the bus stop and saw Nahid and Jonathan. Told Mike about my surgery. Things seemed to be fine, and then I felt off in the afternoon. (I had taken off my nausea patch on Thursday afternoon.) I started to take anti-nausea meds leftover from hysterectomy. That helped. In the afternoon, my pathology report was posted to My Chart, and everything seemed okay, except there was mention of a “malignant neoplasm.” As we researched and found resources like “how to read your pathology report,” I could not find any definitive answers. We were heartened that my pre and post diagnosis were exactly the same even though we didn’t know how DCIS and a “malignant neoplasm” fit together. I managed the stress and anxiety and was mostly able to put it behind me. I wasn’t feeling well enough for the family dinner at Emily’s house and stayed home.

 

Saturday, March 26: Drains, meds, anti-nausea, still felt off. Mom and Dad had been helping with Zach in the afternoons. They went home on Sat AM. Tuesday’s date to remove drains felt very far away, and felt sad, anxious, and lonely. I was worried about my pathology report and what it meant. I used LOVEE meditation and breath-focused meditation to deal with anxiety. 

Sunday, March 27: Drains and meds, but stopped the anti-nausea. Emily came by and brought coffee. I felt better and was not dwelling on the pathology report, though I did mention it to Emily. Frank, Emily, and I all agreed that the fact that the pre-op diagnosis and post-op diagnosis being the same thing was a good sign. Still, sadness and melancholy permeated along with thanks for sleeping well, a comfy bed, and the generosity of family and neighbors for flowers, food, and treats. 

Showered, viewed, and touched my swollen and battered chest. Pretty distressing.

Monday, March 28: Drains, meds. I did more LOVEE meditations and prepared myself for the pathology report revealing that I did in fact have invasive cancer. I needed to be prepared to hear that devastating news. Drain removal still felt very far away. Very tough day. Chest area quivered a bit at times (near pecs)

Tuesday, March 29: Meds and probiotics. Drain removal. Dr. Hammer just went for it and pulled them out, which felt very strange - like a snake slithering out from under my skin. Gross! I cried after she took them out, and she said, “Are those tears of joy?” No, no, they aren’t. That is a lot, and I’m still in a VUCA world (volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity). She mentioned that I should massage and keep my skin hydrated, but the idea of massaging that battered area felt like it would be very painful. Dr. Hammer lightly touched my skin to show me how gentle I could/should be. It was big to celebrate drain removal, though waiting for pathology review appt with Dr. Bruce still weighed on me. 

Wednesday, March 30:

• Meds and probiotics. Yay, no drains, still taking antibiotics until drain holes close. They seemed pretty well closed. That was fast! I did some massage with lotion, and my chest was not as tender. I continued to marvel at how good my skin felt, but at the end of the night at 8:30/9pm, my chest began to feel chafed. This has continued (Wed, Fri, Sat, Sun and I’ve started applying ice packs). Maybe it’s nerve damage? 
• Frank took off the morning to hang out with me and take my mind off the anxiety, which was really great! Katie and Suji took Zach in the afternoon and took him to Lifetime Fitness (we called it and now he calls it “the Mecca.” Teehee). He played basketball and rock climbed and then had dinner with them. He had a blast!

Thursday, March 31:

• Meds and probiotics. In the morning, I took my shower and yesterday’s band aid pulled off a bunch of steri strips. Owww! I looked up and watched funny animal videos to laugh and distract myself from waiting to go to Dr. Bruce’s for pathology results. I laughed a lot. I watched some lip sync battles and found that Kathy Bates had breast cancer and went flat. She’s an inspiration! Dr. Bruce was running late, but when she came in, the pathology results were great in her opinion. She asked if I’d looked and if I had questions. Um, yes! What is a “malignant neoplasm”? Apparently, it was a cut and paste error. What?! Really?! She asked, “Does the report say, ‘no invasion present’? It usually says that.” Um, no, IT DID NOT SAY THAT. I did “control f” for every variation of invasion! Bleepity. Bleep! Well, bottom line, there was no invasion, and the margins were close, but not THAT close. Dr. Bruce is presenting me a “the tumor conference” next week, but she doesn’t expect that anyone will suggest any change to the next steps. Which are --- nothing!
• I sent off my good news and loved hearing back from folks. I picked up Zach from the bus stop and shared the conversation with my neighbor, which he then told his wife through the upstairs window while she was gardening. Funny visual. She brought over a daffodil. So sweet. We chatted for a long time, and it was so good to share my story. She listened and told me I was brave. Rachel and the kids brought us cookies. So much celebration! I went for a walk and attempted to go too long. It was hot. Emily picked me up. We talked about some details of our cousin’s cancer journey. She was 27 when diagnosed almost 35 years ago, and she had “no node involvement.” We wondered how they even found it that early since she was so young. Remarkable! We laughed and shared snarky cancer memes. Well wishes from the GC team!

Friday, April 1: Meds and probiotics. This was Zach's first day of spring break, and Frank took him to Great Country. I had most of the day to myself. Emily and I had lunch together and laughed about cancer. She sampled some cookies. I had my amazing Federal Brewing Co kombucha. So good. It was a lovely day weather-wise - the best - blustery and cold and crisp. I watched the first episode of Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart series on HBO Max - AMAZING - and the first episode of Heartland Season 14. When Frank got back from his Great Country Farms excursion with Zach and a hand off with Mom and Dad, we got Ethiopian food and I had my non-alcoholic Sovi rose to celebrate. We watched the last episode of Station Eleven (for Frank’s first and my second viewing). So good. A wonderful night of sleep. 

Saturday, April 2: No more antibiotics or Tylenol or Advil. I’m only still amping the probiotics and protein shakes with kefir, fruit, and protein powder. I felt up to drive down to my beloved Sperryville, and it was another perfect day. Cool, but not too cold. We stopped for a walk at the Inn at Little Washington’s garden and chatted with a couple from Baltimore. Nice connection. We walked on the Thornton River Trail in Sperryville, picked up food from Rappahannock Pizza Kitchen, sat in the sun with the beautiful view. Perfect. We ended up reading in the car, and then picking up Zach. It was great to see Mom and Dad, and we luckily had a quick trip home - no traffic and hit the lights pretty well. Yay! I had pushed it a bit too much and was TIRED when we got back. I had tea and the chocolate cookie with peanut butter icing. So good. And read and reed and read The Mother Tree. 

Sunday, April 3: Zach came in my bed at 6:30am. “I love you, Mommy.” Plenty of time for gratitude. Reading. A nice morning. A walk. This post. The mysterious chafing discomfort of my chest continues. 

Overall

• Hearing and connecting over text was a balm. 

• Generosity of family and friends was amazing. 

• I was walking pretty quickly and keeping it short. I breathed deeply and could feel my ability to move growing. I would move shoulders forward and backward and arms out to side. I could not get into regular bras until day 11 or 12, and now I can get into my Girlfriend Collective sports bras. 

• Just wearing my glasses, not sure if I’ll go back to my contacts.

• I didn’t have the pressure in my system that I had from my hysterectomy. Emily made the good point that that was an internal surgery and not an external one, so the anesthesia was/played out differently. I appreciated that because that tightness and difficulty breathing for 7 days post surgery in June 2022 was hard!

Listening, reading, watching

• Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead podcasts and the Amishi Jha’s Peak Mind on Audible

• Reading: You Got Anything Stronger, How the Word is Passed - so good!!! and Finding the Mother Tree: Discovering the Wisdom of the Forest   

• Watching: I am Not Your Negro by James Baldwin on Medgar Evers, MLK, and Malcolm X. Wow! That puts our current suffering in perspective 

• Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

• Heartland Episode 14

• A movie: The Book of Love on Amazon, which I liked and recommended to my sister and cannot remember the story at all.

Resilience Required

Health Corner | #surgerysucks

Things got better after my last post. Once the trauma of my DCIS diagnosis and the daily cascade of taking in harder and harder details and the shock of it all gave way to the waiting time for my surgery, I had an okay couple of weeks. Plenty of doctor’s appointments, mind you, but I was able to decide to and get excited about going on vacation and from Sat - Wed on vacation, I felt like I wasn’t a cancer patient, but on Thursday of vacation, I had to come back to reality, confirm doctor’s appointments, etc. 

About 10 days out, things got very tough again. All the details, hoping for solutions to problems that did not end up bearing out, and just the reality of what’s coming and the unknown. Most nights of the final week, I had difficulty sleeping, vivid and tumultuous dreams, where emotions and stresses surfaced. I cried a lot and read a fair amount in the middle of the night. 

And OMG, quite a few hard comments. I can take perspective and understand the intent was not to cause harm, but the impact was negative. 

• Oh, yes, I know someone who had DCIS, and after surgery she only had three chemo treatments!
• I can’t offer any advice for your situation because I’ve always been so healthy. 
• You’ll get through this. (In the throes of the days of waiting for surgery, not helpful. Yes, I know I will -- unless I don’t, but it still sucks.)
• Susan, woohoo it’s almost time to have that surgery to get the cancer out! Are you excited?
• The doctor who wanted me to come in re: possible bladder issue in the week right after my mastectomy. Really? I can appreciate the personal touch, but no, that is not a priority!
• And the worst is asking for what I need and not getting it. So hard. And even though I ask and don't receive it. I deserve it.  

Some lovely things…

• Federal Brewing Company shipped me kombucha, thanks to a special request from Sofia and the owner feeling compelled to go above and beyond
• Kate organized a couple weekends for Lewes that I can take advantage of if I feel up for it. 
• Judie bought me button up shirts and took something off my “to do” list. 
• All of Auntie’s accoutrements
• Mom picked up more button up shirts for me.
• A carrot cake from Susan and Lindy!
• Food delivery gift cards from several

Over the last few weeks, I realized that 10, 20, 30, 50, 100 years ago I would not have known about my breast cancer until much later and would have had a much more difficult experience, and I would have died very young @ 100 years ago. Yikes. 

Lead up to surgery: 

• Crepes and apple cider
• Hiking with Zach 
• Art
• Thompson Italian dinner
• Station Eleven (second time around!)

Zach of Note

• Zach and Cora and Logan played using their imaginations! 
• One day, Zach set the table and made his own cheese bread and then drew some pics. A truck for Ethan and a dino car for Daddy. 
• Zach's dancing is really getting good!
• Zach told me about his tornado drill at school. I asked how that made him feel and he said, “safe.” That’s good. 
• Picture Day outfit: Ahmed asked: “Why don’t you wear matching socks?”

Emotions/Empathy Corner

• Zach is so funny. Sometimes he does chores without asking and he'll say he does it so that we don't fight or argue. Basically, so that we don't have to nag him. It's funny. 
• Zach cried one morning when I reminded him to say, “please.” He said, “I feel like a dummy that I keep forgetting.” Broke my heart. I told him I loved him even when he forgets to say “please.” He’s learning, and I thanked him for telling me how he felt! 
• Roses and thorns and gratitude
• I always want to tell Zach: People are complicated; they’re not good or bad. Need more empathy. We all do good and bad things and some have been VERY bad.
• Zach made me breakfast two days in a row and on Day 2, he added a Reese’s peanut butter cup. He also told me he’d make my breakfast after surgery - that he could help in this way!

Zach's Words and Songs

• Zach says/sings, “Oh, no, don’t drop the Mommy.” It’s a weird thing that he’s been saying for years, I swear. Not sure where it came from - just needed to be captured.
• Zach had a dream that he was an astronaut, and I was with him. Awww! 
• When I told him he would do some school work while we’re away, he said, “That’s great. I love school. I love learning!” 
• Zach sings “happy birthday” twice and “We all live in a yellow submarine” when he brushes his teeth.
• The Treehouse books. We love 26, 91 and 131! Woodenhead, Madame Know It All and babysitting, and Eyeballia. Lindy had read several of the Treehouse books too!
• Zach’s class has started writing poetry using the 5 senses and writing acrostics. Big word!
• Lost one of his two front teeth!
• Back to Lulu and Ana and Andrew books
• Trying some new books and series from the library
• He read the word, “tips” at Amphora Bakery

• On a hike, we enjoyed saying: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
• Podcasts as always and enjoy Who What Wow, though the one on Bass, the U.S. Marshall was a bit “too scary,” for Zach.

Sleep Update 

He is having health lessons at school, and one day he told me the teacher said he only needed 9 hours of sleep. I said, oh, no, no. It’s 9-12. Nine is a minimum. 

Susan and Zach

• Clemyjontrii (so packed; the most packed I’ve ever seen!)
• Meadowlark, and there was no one there! We found that the animals were all gone except for Barry! We walked around and there were holiday lights still up in random places. There were some new Korean statues!
• Watched Up, The Snowy Day, Flora and Ulysses
• New sheets with the continents! Zach loved them and go into the compass/directions orientation of NSEW.

• Little Art Gallery in Reston
• Stopped by a kid-run Ukraine fundraiser
• Drawing

Frank and Zach

• Snow tubing one final time at Bryce and ran into Micaela and her mom from daycare
• Udvar Hazy
• Soccer and a serious soccer game with two boys who just moved here from Israel

Family Fun

• The trip to Colorado for sure
• A Zach sandwich
• The Inbestigators

Good Food

• Cafesano caesar salad with salmon and hummus 
• Hamentaschen from Amphora Bakery
• Mushroom risotto veggie burgers
• Chickpea chili - Yum!
• Carrot cake
• Thompson Italian dinner: carrot salad, burrata and beets, tortellini, and lamb ragu with olives

Connection

• Uncle Jeff and Zach watch fire engine videos together
• Lindy came over in the mornings for about 20-30 mins before the bus since Jonathan had to be out of town. We listened to Taylor Swift and Disney, and she likes the Treehouse books too (26-story is one we’ve both read.) Zach was so excited. He oinked and she laughed at him, and they were tricksters with each other. 
• Dinner at Katie and Suji’s on Veronica’s Gotcha Day (March 15)
• Check-ins and sharing and advice from Auntie Em
• Zach’s visit to Mom and Dad
• Continued dinner and Rock the Park
• Walks with Frank and hike at Great Falls

Fun and Not So Fun Stuff (Personal and Professional)

Personal 

• Podcasts: Dare to Lead, Unlocking Us, Well-Read Black Girl, Blackbelt Voices, and On Being
• Audio book: Savala Nolan’s book, Don’t Let It Get You Down and finished Dan Pink’s The Power of Regret
• Reading: Braiding Sweetgrass. Great chapter about the author taking her students to walk in the wilderness and use the raw materials of nature to build like indigenous people. It was SO GOOD. 
• Atlas of the Heart book club
• Tai chi class 
• Workout like a dancer Zumba = so good! https://www.youtube.com/c/WorkOutLikeADancer

I’m pondering:

• I heard about the idea to plan your day in terms of something healthy, connecting, and purposeful. I like this a lot. End day with thanks and begin day with gratitude.
• The idea that memoir or having more memoir now is somehow about a cult of personality. No, rather it’s the importance of qualitative stories and the universality of stories. 
• If you are broken-hearted, you’ve done something big, important, or valuable enough to warrant a broken heart
• From Kate DiCamillo’s interview on On Being:
• What if, why not, could it be?
• This sentence is from Louisian’s Way, which we have listened to: Thank you. I love you. I forgive you. Can you forgive me? These are words people need to say…these words might free you through the miracle of story. 

Professional

• Servant leadership session, new leaders sessions
• Feedback on Belonging module and chats with Mychael and Danielle. 
• DEIB group. They’re vulnerable and amazing. 
• My values are breached when people are not kind. I cannot tolerate so much lack of caring and concern. An no growth around working to do something that does not come naturally.
• Training community: Chad, Ashlee, YoungIn, Lauren!

Get Comfortable with Discomfort

• When things are hard, I think no way, we’re done. This relationship is over, and then I learn more. I need to learn more and be curious.
• I still resist telling people how they have hurt me. I am thinking about why I am trying to spare them pain. Is that what I’m doing? 

Regret

If someone has done something they regret, I want them to acknowledge how it’s changed them and how they will act differently in the future.

Impromptu, Spontaneous, and Serendipitous

With my surgery scheduled for 3/21/22, we took the opportunity to travel for our winter vacation to Colorado (and I got to use some of my United flight credits from my AMP pre-pandemic purchases). It was invigorating and fun for alll! Check out photos and videos here.

And in the winner in downhill v. cross country is.... Cross country. Zach said, "I'm surprised to be saying this, but cross country because it's quieter." (There were fewer people, no crowds, and he liked that. I love it!)

Activities

• Snow tubing (Frank and Zach)
• Cross country skiing
• Hot springs soaking (Frank and Susan)
• Downhill Skiing (Zach)
• Sleigh ride and sledding

Firsts

• First plane ride for Zach. The ride home included de-icing (like a car wash), and the best plane landing ever for all of us. (Female pilot, just saying....)
• Burned. With sunny days and reflective snow, we all got BURNED. Bought sun screen and aloe lotion!

Themes

• Long mormings. This was our first time change, and Zach woke up early. We had plenty of time for listening to stories, reading, doing morning worksheets and personal narratives, and exploring
• Dogs (Ozzie, Tut, the sleigh ride dogs)

Games

• Briscola
• Soccer and nerf gun shooting with Milo for Zach
• Chutes and Ladders
• Operation
• Forbidden Island

Books

• Lola Levine is Not Mean (from a Denver neighborhood's Little Library)
• Magic Treehouse on Kindle
• Lulu on ABC Mouse
• Braiding Sweetgrass

Music

• 80's station
• Don't Stop Believin' at the airport upon arrival
• Love is a Battlefield (Zach enjoys belting this one out!)
• Country Station on our way home (Tom Petty, Cold Play, Taylor Swift, and lots of Kenny Chesney)

Movies: Vivo, Encanto, Frozen II, Back of the Net (and the idea of "going for a fizzy drink,") Newsies (a ski school friend had seen it) and a most of the Bourne Identity on United Enterntainment!

Friends: Kai, Margaret, Poppy

Yummy Food

• Rollin' Bakery's sweet (Nutella) and savory (bacon, egg, and cheese) chimneys
• Rollin' Bakery's berry muffin!
• Zach liked the Safeway apple turnovers
• Waffle Hut's Liege-style waffles
• Chicken Tikka Masala

Unexpected

• No interesting kombucha at the local grocery
• Apple cider vinegar beverages and kombucha with stevia -- Why?!
• No great finds for food or drink besides Rollin' Bakery and Belgian-style waffles at Waffle Hut, though we did hear of fried Gouda at the Pizza Pedal'r

Connection

• Stopped in to see Dave, Melissa, Milo, Felix, and Ozzie (Zach learned out to say, "Sit" with authority, and Ozzie obeyed.
• Guy from Dickson, Tennessee at Rollin' Bakery who had moved to Lansing, MI. We bonded. He said he loved Tullahoma. Really?!
• Family from Louisiana who'd never seen snow! They get off the week of Mardi Gras from school. Enjoyed chatting and learning that their 16-year old can't wait to get his license and "drive fast." They put me on to the Belgian-style waffles at the Waffle Hut in Winter Park.
• Kevin from Lexington, KY, who was taking advantage of the opportunity of the pandemic to get his foot in the door as a ski instructor at Winter Park. (Before COVID, many instructors came from Argentina). Now he tends bar at the Cheesecake Factory in Denver to pay the bills and teaches ski school at Winter Park. 
• Waffles and chatting with Margaret and her mom, Casey, from Dallas/Fort Worth, TX

Peaks: Beyers, Devil's Thumb, Indian Peaks, and Bear Claw

Your Imagination Guides You

Health Corner

On January 26, 2022, I was diagnosed with DCIS, also known as Stage 0 breast cancer. My sister was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer one month ahead of her 46th birthday. I was diagnosed with DCIS 6 months ahead of my 46th birthday. 1 in 8 women will be get breast cancer in her life.

When my sister was diagnosed and wrestled with the decisions of lumpectomy and mastectomy and reconstruction options, I thought, “What if this happened to me?” I knew then that if I had to make the decision I would opt for a bilateral mastectomy and I would “go flat.”

In addition to breast cancer, I have been taking hormone therapy since my hysterectomy in June 2020. Since my cancer is estrogen +, I had to stop taking estradiol immediately, and I had a lot of anxiety around being plunged into menopause, but experience has been mild hot flashes/issues with temperature regulation. 

I had my annual mammogram in January 2021, and it was clear. In January 2022, they found 1-3 sites of DCIS. So, although there is no known link between my PMS2 and breast cancer, it is the right decision for me to have a bilateral mastectomy with an aesthetic flat closure. My surgery is scheduled for Monday, March 21.

After my surgery the full pathology will be available and additional next steps may be necessary. 

I have created Support in Health Saga 2022 with additional details on my diagnosis, doctor’s appointments, etc. 

This all unfolded just after my last post. It’s been 5 weeks, and I’ve definitely leaned on my resources: reading, meditation, walks, being kind to myself, crying, pillow potion, therapy, connection. 

Zach of Note

• A snow day turned into virtual school, which was quite silly, but Zach took a walk with me! We learned from neighbor, Susan, about dreys
• A walk seeing frozen art and visits to Seneca (for me) and Algonkian with Zach looking for ice in the Potomac
• Chore time seems to be working out well!
• Zach told us that he opens glue containers for all his classmates b/c he’s so big and strong! 
• Found Zach and his class on the home page of the Lake Anne website! Nice to see them all and his classroom!
• He’s spouting off lots of facts about the presidents: 
• Zach is learning about the Presidents. He knows he can be President because he was born in Virginia. He can't be President until he's 35. Youngest elected: Kennedy, Clinton, Obama
• He knows about GW’s dentures. He told me that Abe Lincoln “demolished” slavery. 
• I touched base with his teacher because I’ve been so impressed, and this allowed for a connection between us that I have been struggling to establish. Yay!
• Zach loves crowns. They made them for Groundhog Day and their 100th Day of School, and he treasures them!
  

Emotions/Empathy Corner

• Roses and thorns and gratitude
• My foot rubs elicit great gratitude!
• Zach’s teachers say:
• I will make sure that Zach gets the extra love he deserves. He is such a sweet child, and he loves to help his classmates, volunteers to help clean up, and makes sure everyone has a chance to participate in group activities.
• Zach loves learning and we are here to support him as his teachers.  He is a happy kindergartener. 
• When I fell down HARD on the pavement playing basketball, he rushed over to try and help me up. 

Zach's Words and Songs

• Zach called his humidifier “moisture water”
• Continuing to plow through The Magic Treehouse books
• Echo Mountain is a wonderful constant. 
• We got back into Story Pirates and our faves: Chicken on a Motorcycle, Dave the Rockstar, and the Creepy Weepy Dollhouse
• Wow in the World, Stories podcast, etc. 
• A poetry morning
• He loved working with clay in art class and told me his bowl was waiting to be fired in the kiln. We spelled “kiln.”
• He also loved a visit from a Oakely, a therapy dog. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1O82fJnbGU 
• We agreed we’d use rock climbing jargon “On hot chocolate?” “Hot chocolate on.” 
• Tormentoso = stormy!
• Zach is grossed out by licking envelope (using “tongue slober”) as he prepares his valentines.
• Zach and I watched Up. Crying…of course
• On our hike on 2/19/22, Zach kept saying, "Your imagination guides you," so I made it my blog title!

Sleep Update 

10-10.5 hours/night and naps on the weekends, mostly both days, which is surprising, but he wants to nap with us.

Susan and Zach

• Walk and Roll (party of 2) to school in the rain
• Walks and hikes. We made it to the River Trail at Great Falls one Saturday, and we got back out to Banshee Reeks for the first time in 4 months! 
• Ice skating - we went twice to the Reston Outdoor Rink

Frank and Zach

• Snow tubing at Bryce x 3!!!!
• Kitchen soccer and lots of soccer
• Frank gets Zach's bed ready at night and surprises him with a stuffed animal tucked in. It's adorable. Zach loves it.

Family Fun

• It is conversation we get with Zach on hikes and at meals. Truly magical times. 
• Valentine’s fun! Homemade candies, valentines galore, and Godiva chocolates
• Lunch at Quattro Goombas. So cold and windy, but sunny!

Good Food

• French Toast casserole
• Ethiopian for the first time in 2 years
• Thompson Italian dinner. So good!
• Foray into non-alcoholic wines - Sovi sparkling rose is the only winner so far!
• Chinese food and celebrated Chinese New Year
• Polenta from Golden West (Thank you, Mary Kay)
• Cafesano caesar salad with salmon and hummus are tasty!
• Broccoli cheddar soup from Panera
• Bagels and lox from NYC!
• Apricot hamentaschen from Amphora Bakery
• Valentines goodies shared with me and with neighbors!

Connection

• 2021 Recapped was an amazing reconnect with a lot of people I haven’t heard from. I had some calls set up with a number of folks I hoped to catch up with. Unfortunately, my cancer diagnosis did some damage to my momentum to talk with Greer, Amy, Sofia, and Lucy. Michel brought me up to speed on Ruby's life.
• I ran across the obituary from many years ago of one of my favorite Lions Club volunteers from my time at GHCC. Dale Strait was a true pleasure to know. https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/capitalgazette/name/ernest-strait-obituary?pid=174510835
• Call with Kathleen
• Food and goodies always from Auntie Em and from Emily Rogers, Katie and Suji, and Mary Kay
• Cards and texts - thank you, all!
• Lots of support and good visits from Autie Em
• Zach’s visits to Mom and Dad and my visits with them!
• We started a tradition of Friday dinner at Auntie Em’s and watching Rock the Park
• Emily Rogers and Galentine’s Day
• Kindness from Kevin and from the woman who helped start my short-term disability claim, who said, "I've been where you are, and you'll get through this." 
• New cousin for Zach! Baby Ezra James born 2/18/22
• And connection has been hard. I'm reminded that the brain rewards negative emotion. Feel emotions and then understand the brain. (From Dare to Lead with Dan Pink)

Fun and Not So Fun (Personal and Professional)

Personal 

• From Atlas of the Heart, these ring true: 
• You can be lonely around other people!
• “You can have high self-esteem and feel insecure if you’re self-critical.” Check. Self-compassion is my work for 2022!
• Reliving beautiful moments, delighting in small happy things, creating opportunities for joy, and visualizing an exciting future are great ways to hardwire happiness. Choose one that is calling to you, and write about it. Make it a habit and watch the wonders unfold.
• Found an ongoing Atlas of the Heart book club, and I’ll attend 3 or 4 sessions of 5 offered. It’s been great!
• Received The Grief Companion. Definitely some good stuff in there, but less content than I expected. 
• Watching:
• Station Eleven and watching it a second time with Frank AND the podcast!!!! So good. 
• Kim’s Convenience
• Podcasts:
• The Happiness Lab, Ten Percent Happier, and Dare to Lead and Unlocking Us (missed them so much) and I’m missing Good Ancestor and The Kingdom so much!
• Sharon Brock of the LOVEE method was on Handle with Care: Cancer and Beyond, which I found helpful
• Happiness Lab anger episode and breath in and LONG breath out.
• Unlocking Us with Jason Reynolds just made me cry. So good.
• Audio book:
• Savala Nolan’s book, Don’t Let It Get You Down
• Dan Pink’s The Power of Regret
• Reading: 
• The Way of the Gardener - Definitely enjoyed this, and he revealed that the Camino is right next to a highway for much of its length. That’s not cool.
• Pretty is What Changes - https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/136737/pretty-is-what-changes-by-jessica-queller/
• The Flat Share
• Enjoyed Taylor’s Swift’s All Too Well Short:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tollGa3S0o8
• Bought new sheets!

Professional

• DEIB and Unconscious Bias - a really good podcast with Jessica Nordell, and she advised getting involved in a group that allows you to work with truly diverse folks. Mine should be food, cooking, and breaking bread together or reading, listening, learning, growth - a school of sorts!
• New Leaders work is great. Thanks to Annie and Eva who stepped in and did great work
• Product Training allows me to work with awesome teammates. I loved Chad’s “put me in coach.” 
• Great support from CEO of GoCanvas and colleagues. Thanks for listening!
• A bonus for 2021!
• Short-term Disability: Work has provided so much support. I will miss that. I feel like I’m being cut off from work I love and support from work colleagues that has been very important. And I get it. I have it as a benefit. It’s amazing. But now, what does it mean? I am disabled - or will be after my surgery. I am having my breasts amputated. That’s a lot. 

Get Comfortable with Discomfort

• Thinking about empathy on my walk this morning and how to better respond when people tell you hard news, not defaulting to: “I’m sorry.” or “It will be fine.” I can ask: What meaning does this have for you? (Works with non-deaths, like divorce, cancer diagnosis) could be followed up with, I know what meaning I might or am making of this, but I don’t want to assume. 
• Also, tell me a story about that or that person or that pet. For Jonathan when he told me about Reba for example, I could have said: “I’m so sorry. I’d love to hear a story about them.”
• Yup, I did leave others in uncomfortable silence. 
• I’m still struggling with telling them about my pain and making them uncomfortable

Regret

• Brene Brown interviewed Dan Pink about his latest book on regret, and they agreed that we should be introspective and learn from our regrets. What we did is not who we are and we can and should learn from regret.
• I regret sending some emails before I have been able to refine my language and offer more of what I want from others. I feel pressure to respond quickly, but if I give myself time, I do better. 

I am stronger, more resilient, and more compassionate than ever. I have the tools to face some of my worst fears. Meaning and intention guide me.