Things got better after my last post. Once the trauma of my DCIS diagnosis and the daily cascade of taking in harder and harder details and the shock of it all gave way to the waiting time for my surgery, I had an okay couple of weeks. Plenty of doctor’s appointments, mind you, but I was able to decide to and get excited about going on vacation and from Sat - Wed on vacation, I felt like I wasn’t a cancer patient, but on Thursday of vacation, I had to come back to reality, confirm doctor’s appointments, etc.
About 10 days out, things got very tough again. All the details, hoping for solutions to problems that did not end up bearing out, and just the reality of what’s coming and the unknown. Most nights of the final week, I had difficulty sleeping, vivid and tumultuous dreams, where emotions and stresses surfaced. I cried a lot and read a fair amount in the middle of the night.
And OMG, quite a few hard comments. I can take perspective and understand the intent was not to cause harm, but the impact was negative.
- Oh, yes, I know someone who had DCIS, and after surgery she only had three chemo treatments!
- I can’t offer any advice for your situation because I’ve always been so healthy.
- You’ll get through this. (In the throes of the days of waiting for surgery, not helpful. Yes, I know I will -- unless I don’t, but it still sucks.)
- Susan, woohoo it’s almost time to have that surgery to get the cancer out! Are you excited?
- The doctor who wanted me to come in re: possible bladder issue in the week right after my mastectomy. Really? I can appreciate the personal touch, but no, that is not a priority!
- And the worst is asking for what I need and not getting it. So hard. And even though I ask and don't receive it. I deserve it.
- Federal Brewing Company shipped me kombucha, thanks to a special request from Sofia and the owner feeling compelled to go above and beyond
- Kate organized a couple weekends for Lewes that I can take advantage of if I feel up for it.
- Judie bought me button up shirts and took something off my “to do” list.
- All of Auntie’s accoutrements
- Mom picked up more button up shirts for me.
- A carrot cake from Susan and Lindy!
- Food delivery gift cards from several
Over the last few weeks, I realized that 10, 20, 30, 50, 100 years ago I would not have known about my breast cancer until much later and would have had a much more difficult experience, and I would have died very young @ 100 years ago. Yikes.
Lead up to surgery:
- Crepes and apple cider
- Hiking with Zach
- Art
- Thompson Italian dinner
- Station Eleven (second time around!)
- Zach and Cora and Logan played using their imaginations!
- One day, Zach set the table and made his own cheese bread and then drew some pics. A truck for Ethan and a dino car for Daddy.
- Zach's dancing is really getting good!
- Zach told me about his tornado drill at school. I asked how that made him feel and he said, “safe.” That’s good.
- Picture Day outfit: Ahmed asked: “Why don’t you wear matching socks?”
Emotions/Empathy Corner
- Zach is so funny. Sometimes he does chores without asking and he'll say he does it so that we don't fight or argue. Basically, so that we don't have to nag him. It's funny.
- Zach cried one morning when I reminded him to say, “please.” He said, “I feel like a dummy that I keep forgetting.” Broke my heart. I told him I loved him even when he forgets to say “please.” He’s learning, and I thanked him for telling me how he felt!
- Roses and thorns and gratitude
- I always want to tell Zach: People are complicated; they’re not good or bad. Need more empathy. We all do good and bad things and some have been VERY bad.
- Zach made me breakfast two days in a row and on Day 2, he added a Reese’s peanut butter cup. He also told me he’d make my breakfast after surgery - that he could help in this way!
Zach's Words and Songs
- Zach says/sings, “Oh, no, don’t drop the Mommy.” It’s a weird thing that he’s been saying for years, I swear. Not sure where it came from - just needed to be captured.
- Zach had a dream that he was an astronaut, and I was with him. Awww!
- When I told him he would do some school work while we’re away, he said, “That’s great. I love school. I love learning!”
- Zach sings “happy birthday” twice and “We all live in a yellow submarine” when he brushes his teeth.
- The Treehouse books. We love 26, 91 and 131! Woodenhead, Madame Know It All and babysitting, and Eyeballia. Lindy had read several of the Treehouse books too!
- Zach’s class has started writing poetry using the 5 senses and writing acrostics. Big word!
- Lost one of his two front teeth!
- Back to Lulu and Ana and Andrew books
- Trying some new books and series from the library
- He read the word, “tips” at Amphora Bakery
- On a hike, we enjoyed saying: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
- Podcasts as always and enjoy Who What Wow, though the one on Bass, the U.S. Marshall was a bit “too scary,” for Zach.
Sleep Update
He is having health lessons at school, and one day he told me the teacher said he only needed 9 hours of sleep. I said, oh, no, no. It’s 9-12. Nine is a minimum.
- Clemyjontrii (so packed; the most packed I’ve ever seen!)
- Meadowlark, and there was no one there! We found that the animals were all gone except for Barry! We walked around and there were holiday lights still up in random places. There were some new Korean statues!
- Watched Up, The Snowy Day, Flora and Ulysses
- New sheets with the continents! Zach loved them and go into the compass/directions orientation of NSEW.
- Little Art Gallery in Reston
- Stopped by a kid-run Ukraine fundraiser
- Drawing
- Snow tubing one final time at Bryce and ran into Micaela and her mom from daycare
- Udvar Hazy
- Soccer and a serious soccer game with two boys who just moved here from Israel
Family Fun
- The trip to Colorado for sure
- A Zach sandwich
- The Inbestigators
Good Food
- Cafesano caesar salad with salmon and hummus
- Hamentaschen from Amphora Bakery
- Mushroom risotto veggie burgers
- Chickpea chili - Yum!
- Carrot cake
- Thompson Italian dinner: carrot salad, burrata and beets, tortellini, and lamb ragu with olives
- Uncle Jeff and Zach watch fire engine videos together
- Lindy came over in the mornings for about 20-30 mins before the bus since Jonathan had to be out of town. We listened to Taylor Swift and Disney, and she likes the Treehouse books too (26-story is one we’ve both read.) Zach was so excited. He oinked and she laughed at him, and they were tricksters with each other.
- Dinner at Katie and Suji’s on Veronica’s Gotcha Day (March 15)
- Check-ins and sharing and advice from Auntie Em
- Zach’s visit to Mom and Dad
- Continued dinner and Rock the Park
- Walks with Frank and hike at Great Falls
Fun and Not So Fun Stuff (Personal and Professional)
Personal
- Podcasts: Dare to Lead, Unlocking Us, Well-Read Black Girl, Blackbelt Voices, and On Being
- Audio book: Savala Nolan’s book, Don’t Let It Get You Down and finished Dan Pink’s The Power of Regret
- Reading: Braiding Sweetgrass. Great chapter about the author taking her students to walk in the wilderness and use the raw materials of nature to build like indigenous people. It was SO GOOD.
- Atlas of the Heart book club
- Tai chi class
- Workout like a dancer Zumba = so good! https://www.youtube.com/c/WorkOutLikeADancer
I’m pondering:
- I heard about the idea to plan your day in terms of something healthy, connecting, and purposeful. I like this a lot. End day with thanks and begin day with gratitude.
- The idea that memoir or having more memoir now is somehow about a cult of personality. No, rather it’s the importance of qualitative stories and the universality of stories.
- If you are broken-hearted, you’ve done something big, important, or valuable enough to warrant a broken heart
- From Kate DiCamillo’s interview on On Being:
- What if, why not, could it be?
- This sentence is from Louisian’s Way, which we have listened to: Thank you. I love you. I forgive you. Can you forgive me? These are words people need to say…these words might free you through the miracle of story.
Professional
- Servant leadership session, new leaders sessions
- Feedback on Belonging module and chats with Mychael and Danielle.
- DEIB group. They’re vulnerable and amazing.
- My values are breached when people are not kind. I cannot tolerate so much lack of caring and concern. An no growth around working to do something that does not come naturally.
- Training community: Chad, Ashlee, YoungIn, Lauren!
Get Comfortable with Discomfort
- When things are hard, I think no way, we’re done. This relationship is over, and then I learn more. I need to learn more and be curious.
- I still resist telling people how they have hurt me. I am thinking about why I am trying to spare them pain. Is that what I’m doing?
Regret
If someone has done something they regret, I want them to acknowledge how it’s changed them and how they will act differently in the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment