Your Imagination Guides You

Health Corner

On January 26, 2022, I was diagnosed with DCIS, also known as Stage 0 breast cancer. My sister was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer one month ahead of her 46th birthday. I was diagnosed with DCIS 6 months ahead of my 46th birthday. 1 in 8 women will be get breast cancer in her life.

When my sister was diagnosed and wrestled with the decisions of lumpectomy and mastectomy and reconstruction options, I thought, “What if this happened to me?” I knew then that if I had to make the decision I would opt for a bilateral mastectomy and I would “go flat.”

In addition to breast cancer, I have been taking hormone therapy since my hysterectomy in June 2020. Since my cancer is estrogen +, I had to stop taking estradiol immediately, and I had a lot of anxiety around being plunged into menopause, but experience has been mild hot flashes/issues with temperature regulation. 

I had my annual mammogram in January 2021, and it was clear. In January 2022, they found 1-3 sites of DCIS. So, although there is no known link between my PMS2 and breast cancer, it is the right decision for me to have a bilateral mastectomy with an aesthetic flat closure. My surgery is scheduled for Monday, March 21.

After my surgery the full pathology will be available and additional next steps may be necessary. 

I have created Support in Health Saga 2022 with additional details on my diagnosis, doctor’s appointments, etc. 

This all unfolded just after my last post. It’s been 5 weeks, and I’ve definitely leaned on my resources: reading, meditation, walks, being kind to myself, crying, pillow potion, therapy, connection. 

Zach of Note

• A snow day turned into virtual school, which was quite silly, but Zach took a walk with me! We learned from neighbor, Susan, about dreys
• A walk seeing frozen art and visits to Seneca (for me) and Algonkian with Zach looking for ice in the Potomac
• Chore time seems to be working out well!
• Zach told us that he opens glue containers for all his classmates b/c he’s so big and strong! 
• Found Zach and his class on the home page of the Lake Anne website! Nice to see them all and his classroom!
• He’s spouting off lots of facts about the presidents: 
• Zach is learning about the Presidents. He knows he can be President because he was born in Virginia. He can't be President until he's 35. Youngest elected: Kennedy, Clinton, Obama
• He knows about GW’s dentures. He told me that Abe Lincoln “demolished” slavery. 
• I touched base with his teacher because I’ve been so impressed, and this allowed for a connection between us that I have been struggling to establish. Yay!
• Zach loves crowns. They made them for Groundhog Day and their 100th Day of School, and he treasures them!
  

Emotions/Empathy Corner

• Roses and thorns and gratitude
• My foot rubs elicit great gratitude!
• Zach’s teachers say:
• I will make sure that Zach gets the extra love he deserves. He is such a sweet child, and he loves to help his classmates, volunteers to help clean up, and makes sure everyone has a chance to participate in group activities.
• Zach loves learning and we are here to support him as his teachers.  He is a happy kindergartener. 
• When I fell down HARD on the pavement playing basketball, he rushed over to try and help me up. 

Zach's Words and Songs

• Zach called his humidifier “moisture water”
• Continuing to plow through The Magic Treehouse books
• Echo Mountain is a wonderful constant. 
• We got back into Story Pirates and our faves: Chicken on a Motorcycle, Dave the Rockstar, and the Creepy Weepy Dollhouse
• Wow in the World, Stories podcast, etc. 
• A poetry morning
• He loved working with clay in art class and told me his bowl was waiting to be fired in the kiln. We spelled “kiln.”
• He also loved a visit from a Oakely, a therapy dog. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1O82fJnbGU 
• We agreed we’d use rock climbing jargon “On hot chocolate?” “Hot chocolate on.” 
• Tormentoso = stormy!
• Zach is grossed out by licking envelope (using “tongue slober”) as he prepares his valentines.
• Zach and I watched Up. Crying…of course
• On our hike on 2/19/22, Zach kept saying, "Your imagination guides you," so I made it my blog title!

Sleep Update 

10-10.5 hours/night and naps on the weekends, mostly both days, which is surprising, but he wants to nap with us.

Susan and Zach

• Walk and Roll (party of 2) to school in the rain
• Walks and hikes. We made it to the River Trail at Great Falls one Saturday, and we got back out to Banshee Reeks for the first time in 4 months! 
• Ice skating - we went twice to the Reston Outdoor Rink

Frank and Zach

• Snow tubing at Bryce x 3!!!!
• Kitchen soccer and lots of soccer
• Frank gets Zach's bed ready at night and surprises him with a stuffed animal tucked in. It's adorable. Zach loves it.

Family Fun

• It is conversation we get with Zach on hikes and at meals. Truly magical times. 
• Valentine’s fun! Homemade candies, valentines galore, and Godiva chocolates
• Lunch at Quattro Goombas. So cold and windy, but sunny!

Good Food

• French Toast casserole
• Ethiopian for the first time in 2 years
• Thompson Italian dinner. So good!
• Foray into non-alcoholic wines - Sovi sparkling rose is the only winner so far!
• Chinese food and celebrated Chinese New Year
• Polenta from Golden West (Thank you, Mary Kay)
• Cafesano caesar salad with salmon and hummus are tasty!
• Broccoli cheddar soup from Panera
• Bagels and lox from NYC!
• Apricot hamentaschen from Amphora Bakery
• Valentines goodies shared with me and with neighbors!

Connection

• 2021 Recapped was an amazing reconnect with a lot of people I haven’t heard from. I had some calls set up with a number of folks I hoped to catch up with. Unfortunately, my cancer diagnosis did some damage to my momentum to talk with Greer, Amy, Sofia, and Lucy. Michel brought me up to speed on Ruby's life.
• I ran across the obituary from many years ago of one of my favorite Lions Club volunteers from my time at GHCC. Dale Strait was a true pleasure to know. https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/capitalgazette/name/ernest-strait-obituary?pid=174510835
• Call with Kathleen
• Food and goodies always from Auntie Em and from Emily Rogers, Katie and Suji, and Mary Kay
• Cards and texts - thank you, all!
• Lots of support and good visits from Autie Em
• Zach’s visits to Mom and Dad and my visits with them!
• We started a tradition of Friday dinner at Auntie Em’s and watching Rock the Park
• Emily Rogers and Galentine’s Day
• Kindness from Kevin and from the woman who helped start my short-term disability claim, who said, "I've been where you are, and you'll get through this." 
• New cousin for Zach! Baby Ezra James born 2/18/22
• And connection has been hard. I'm reminded that the brain rewards negative emotion. Feel emotions and then understand the brain. (From Dare to Lead with Dan Pink)

Fun and Not So Fun (Personal and Professional)

Personal 

• From Atlas of the Heart, these ring true: 
• You can be lonely around other people!
• “You can have high self-esteem and feel insecure if you’re self-critical.” Check. Self-compassion is my work for 2022!
• Reliving beautiful moments, delighting in small happy things, creating opportunities for joy, and visualizing an exciting future are great ways to hardwire happiness. Choose one that is calling to you, and write about it. Make it a habit and watch the wonders unfold.
• Found an ongoing Atlas of the Heart book club, and I’ll attend 3 or 4 sessions of 5 offered. It’s been great!
• Received The Grief Companion. Definitely some good stuff in there, but less content than I expected. 
• Watching:
• Station Eleven and watching it a second time with Frank AND the podcast!!!! So good. 
• Kim’s Convenience
• Podcasts:
• The Happiness Lab, Ten Percent Happier, and Dare to Lead and Unlocking Us (missed them so much) and I’m missing Good Ancestor and The Kingdom so much!
• Sharon Brock of the LOVEE method was on Handle with Care: Cancer and Beyond, which I found helpful
• Happiness Lab anger episode and breath in and LONG breath out.
• Unlocking Us with Jason Reynolds just made me cry. So good.
• Audio book:
• Savala Nolan’s book, Don’t Let It Get You Down
• Dan Pink’s The Power of Regret
• Reading: 
• The Way of the Gardener - Definitely enjoyed this, and he revealed that the Camino is right next to a highway for much of its length. That’s not cool.
• Pretty is What Changes - https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/136737/pretty-is-what-changes-by-jessica-queller/
• The Flat Share
• Enjoyed Taylor’s Swift’s All Too Well Short:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tollGa3S0o8
• Bought new sheets!

Professional

• DEIB and Unconscious Bias - a really good podcast with Jessica Nordell, and she advised getting involved in a group that allows you to work with truly diverse folks. Mine should be food, cooking, and breaking bread together or reading, listening, learning, growth - a school of sorts!
• New Leaders work is great. Thanks to Annie and Eva who stepped in and did great work
• Product Training allows me to work with awesome teammates. I loved Chad’s “put me in coach.” 
• Great support from CEO of GoCanvas and colleagues. Thanks for listening!
• A bonus for 2021!
• Short-term Disability: Work has provided so much support. I will miss that. I feel like I’m being cut off from work I love and support from work colleagues that has been very important. And I get it. I have it as a benefit. It’s amazing. But now, what does it mean? I am disabled - or will be after my surgery. I am having my breasts amputated. That’s a lot. 

Get Comfortable with Discomfort

• Thinking about empathy on my walk this morning and how to better respond when people tell you hard news, not defaulting to: “I’m sorry.” or “It will be fine.” I can ask: What meaning does this have for you? (Works with non-deaths, like divorce, cancer diagnosis) could be followed up with, I know what meaning I might or am making of this, but I don’t want to assume. 
• Also, tell me a story about that or that person or that pet. For Jonathan when he told me about Reba for example, I could have said: “I’m so sorry. I’d love to hear a story about them.”
• Yup, I did leave others in uncomfortable silence. 
• I’m still struggling with telling them about my pain and making them uncomfortable

Regret

• Brene Brown interviewed Dan Pink about his latest book on regret, and they agreed that we should be introspective and learn from our regrets. What we did is not who we are and we can and should learn from regret.
• I regret sending some emails before I have been able to refine my language and offer more of what I want from others. I feel pressure to respond quickly, but if I give myself time, I do better. 

I am stronger, more resilient, and more compassionate than ever. I have the tools to face some of my worst fears. Meaning and intention guide me.